Dog on… 10 worst things no one tells you about having a human

Hey there! Long time no talk. Unless you’re on Facebook. in which you’ve heard from me more than you may wish.

But, I digress.

So, a while back, I saw an article that was bold enough to lay out reasons why living with a dog is over-rated. This littel gem of an article was titled, “12 worst things no one tells you about having a dog.” Here’s the link to it in case you want to check out such filth.

I hate to break it to you, but you humans aren’t a walk in the park either. We love you and all, but dude, living with you can be confusing, stressful, and exhausting. Therefore, in response to said article, I submit the following:

The 10 Worst things No One Tells You About Having A Human

1. Communication

You teach us words in English so that we can understand your rules, but you take very little interest in our language. Look at your furball right now. See that ear twitch? The tongue flick of the lips even though there’s not food around? That slow steady wag?

Well, genius, it all means something. We are communicating with you long before we bark or growl. News flash: Just because you gab on and on to us, doesn’t mean that we aren’t talking back. Sheesh! Narcissistic much?

2. Leash Lunacy

You put a leash on us to walk with us. Really? Really? Because you know so much about dog communication, as I illustrated in the last point, that we can trust you to handle our meet and greets with local dogs? Next time you go to a bar and you get into it with someone, how bout I hold you back and attempt to manage the situation. You know, with my mastery of the English language and all.

And let me just throw something at you…our ears and nose are a gazillion times better (that figure has not been confirmed, but they are definitely better) than yours, but by all means, please hold the leash and be in charge.

Psst! How may times has a bike, runner, or skateboard suprised you on our walks?

I rest my case.

3. Discerning Tastes

We like poop. To eat. You, pretty unanimously, don’t. Tomayto, Tomahto. But you don’t see me stopping you from eating that leafy green thing though it’s of no interest to me, do you? Should we make it our life’s goal to stop you from eating the things we wouldn’t touch if our lives depended on it? P.S. Poop is more natural than that Twinkie in your cupboard.

4. Cleanliness

Let’s be honest, you get a little OCD with the baths and washing of our beds and toys. Just when I’ve gotten them to satisfactory stink level, you wash them, and then they smell… Unnatural. Yuck! And, God forbid, I roll in a dead animal, you know, to relish in it’s deliciousness. I’m sent straight to the bath as if oatmeal lavender smells better than the eau de squirrel I had been rocking minutes prior. A little secret, that Old Spice or Chanel No. 5 is NOT a canine turn on, but we still hang out with you. Most of us have come to even love human stink. I mean, we hang out with you in the bathroom. No. Matter. What. ‘Nuff said.

5. “Gross”

Many of you think we are “gross,” just because, as mentioned above, we eat poop, can throw-up and eat it again, scavenge in the garbage, and roll in dead things.

Yeah, that’s it. (maybe not the strongest point)

6. Two Words… Little People

Need I say more about the walking drunk, toy stealing, hair pulling, attention grabbing little buggers?? One caveat: the ones in high chairs who drop food all the time by accident and on purpose when no one else is looking are all right in my book. We call those “keepers”. But once they are up and running again, the love is lost until they can be useful to throw a ball or something.

7. Sharing

Sharing is not natural, really for either of us, however, we are expected to share or give up everything and anything at a moments notice with no issue whatsoever. On the other had, when I’m using my Jedi mind trick on you while you’re eating, it’s as if I have asked you for your kidney. In fact, you often and randomly take my bowl away just to see if you can. What is all that about? Tit for tat, man.

8. Home Alone

99% of the time, you leave without me! I love cars. I love people. Why would you go somewhere I’m not invited? I don’t visit places you can’t come. Even though it’s called the Dog Beach, we are accepting of all beings. Except cats. Gotta draw the line to cats. Other than the one that lives with a friend of mine. She’s cool, mostly.

9. The Drama of the Hair

You don’t like us to shed our fur. Well, wow, let’s pick something completely our of our control to hate, sound good? We can’t help it. And you vacuuming us, bathing us, or brushing us within an inch of our lives is just plain bat-shit crazy. (no offense to my bat friends)  Chill out peeps.

10. I am who I am

They say dog is man’s best friend, but it seems that you like very little about our natural instincts and actively attempt to train them out of us. People! Dogs eat poop, jump on you, bark, dig, chase, explore the world with their mouth, and lick their privates because we are… spoiler alert… Dogs! We don’t do things to spite you or aim to simply piss you off. It’s not a plot to overturn human rule. We are fine to have you in charge actually. We accept and love you regardless of all of your “warts”, not the least of which is that you have so little hair, walk on two paws, and have opposable thumbs (actually, we envy those the most). How about a little Quid Pro Quo??

So, see? Our relationship isn’t a cake walk on either end, but we cool, right?

Dog thoughts on school closure days

dog15Contrary to popular belief, we dogs are not trying to make you humans miserable. Got it? We are dogs, so we do things that come naturally… to dogs.

So, when you have a school closing day due to cold or snow, things get a little hairy. Dogs are home. Kids are home. Other moms appear with their home bound kids, there is cabin fever pouring out of every pore of everyone, and the stuff they call “mommy juice” appears out of nowhere. (no idea what’s in the stuff, but it seems to be a magic potion that makes the mom chill out). Regardless, it’s anarchy.

It seems that you are not sure what to expect from us in these trying times. Here’s a list that might give you a heads up:

1. We will whine to go out. Then when we get out, we’ll whine to get in while holding a paw up in frozen misery. Plan for this to repeat often throughout the day.

2. While we are out, we just might eat snow as if we are a Hoover vacuum. Be aware we’ll have to pee much sooner, thus the repetition of above.

3. When the guest moms and kids come over, we might pee a little in excitement of their arrival. (Maybe because our bladder is full from snow earlier ingested) We probably will act like we don’t realize that we have peed. We might actually not even know we did.

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4. With this many kids’ eating at once, you can bet your bottom dollar that we will wait at the kids’ feet for their predictable droppings. Warning: if you feed them chocolate, we will probably eat the chocolate. Vomiting (or a trip to the emergency room) may or may not occur later. But we are just being dogs, so you can’t be mad.

5. When you try to put booties on to take us outside, we will hold up each paw as a bootie goes on and refuse to put it down. You can only really get two booties on this way sadly. However, we know that you will wrestle get all four on, and we, in turn, will walk like Frankenstein by shaking each paw in an effort to shake them off OR, we may just simply refuse to move. When you rip them off in a fury of frustration and take us out without them, we will undoubtedly, alternate holding each frozen paw up and limp in certain misery.

6. Most importantly, with all the chaos going on, we will probably be incredibly underfoot to get closer to you in an attempt to make sure you have everything under control, which over time, I’m getting the idea, that you do not.

I hope this prepares you in the event of another “snow/cold day” from school. They say that being prepared is half the battle. See? I’m here for you.

Do you all feel me? Did I forget something? Let me know. (in your nicest comment voice please – don’t make me chew on a table leg to self-soothe!)