Dog on… Pooping Outdoors


Look, dogs don’t find the subject of poop all that provocative. (Wednesday’s TP word of the day) The truth is that there’s a lot of good info in there if you take a moment to smell it properly. But, I get it. This is one of the many ways we differ from humans, and this is a talking point we’ll have to agree to disagree. So, if this is something you can’t handle, then don’t read this. BUT if there’s a time when you find yourself in a pinch, don’t come cryin’ to me. I have laid down the 411 here.

Dogs have some unique skill sets. Humans have their strengths as well, but outside elimination (Thursday’s TP word) might not be one of them. So, at the risk of oversharing, I jotted down a few thoughts on how to poop outdoors. This might not seem important today, but I remember a certain park incident with the little boy of the family that has haunted my dreams. It was before Memorial Day, a couple years ago, so apparently, the park bathrooms were not yet open.

He had to poop.

Bad. So, thinking on her feet, my human took him to the bushes.

Don’t judge her. He was not going to make it.

But what I witnessed in that five minutes was truly a debacle. Surprising, because he’s so good at peeing outside. In fact, he often prefers it. Even just when he’s playing in the yard. Outside our home. I totally get it. Why go inside when you can go right there, but my human does not see eye to eye with him on this either.    …I digress.

Regardless, I have some constructive criticism for the whole event at the park. I mean, really, there’s a system to a thing like this. You can’t just be willy nilly about it. There’s a lot of mess at risk. Here are my steps for success:

1. Walk back and forth within 6 ft. many times to find the perfect spot. Don’t just plop down anywhere. There’s a method, people!

2. Once you have the spot, circle several times in place to get the perfect angle.

3. Start to push, but then stop and circle the other way until you are in that original spot again.

4. Be sure to arch your back and stick your butt out so as not to get any on you. This is key and was the big miss with the kid. Don’t be surprised if your ears go back. You are pooping in front of the world, you know.

5. When you are done, scrape your feet backwards to kick up dirt and grass. This leaves the world a visual and scented message that you are the one that pooped here. …and you certainly want everyone to know.

5. Finally, speed away with the joy as if having your own post poop party. (Optional)

And that, my friends, is how you do it.

It might not come up a lot, but when it does, you will be glad you printed this out and put it in your wallet for reference. I’m sure of it.

An open letter to Lassie

Dear Lassie:


A cougar? Really???

Saving Timmy from the well? Taking down the bank robber?

Perhaps if you acted like a normal dog – ate poop, dug up things in the backyard, or went garbage picking – those of us living in the real world would have a chance of looking good!

I don’t want to protect anyone from a cougar, or pull them from a well, or save them from an oncoming train. Those things are scary, yo! Plus, It’s too much responsibility to take care of these little people. Let’s be honest, there is something called survival of the fittest! If and when the little ones make poor choices such as wandering so far from home to encounter a cougar, I’m thinking we should assume they simply won’t make it in the world and let nature take it’s course.

I know it sounds harsh, but here’s what happens in the real world when a dog lives with kids:





Makes your stomach turn a little, huh?

Do I really want to save that? I’m not sold.

So, before you go running home to tell the adults to follow you to the well, think for a moment what you are doing for the average joe who then has to live up to your activities.

Think more Beethoven, Hooch, and Marley. Now those dudes make us look good.

You can pass the word on to your friends, Rin Tin Tin, Benji, and Carl.

Peace out!