Dog on… the Polar Vortex

Look, I’m not a huge fan of the hot weather we get here in summer. I have a lot of fur and no actual sweat glands, so it’s not really what I’m suited for, let’s just say. But I also was not meant to live in weather that makes my pee freeze as it exits my body. This weather is actually more for my friends the sled dogs who often live up with Santa and that freak of nature, Rudolph. (He’s a nice guy, but the red nose is kind of blinding when you’re trying to just hang out and chew a bone with him.) I just can’t get behind weather that entails me needing to humiliate myself with booties. I simply won’t wear them, but then when I go outside and my paws literally freeze after a brief jaunt around the yard, it makes me think my ego isn’t serving me.

The other thing this Polar Vortex doesn’t seem to understand is that when it’s 50 degrees below zero, the schools close around here, which means the kids are home all day causing havoc. Remember, I like them and all, but seriously, there is such a thing as too much family time. I take the weekdays to savor in some quiet time with me and my girl. She does work, I sit where I can see her if she moves, we might go for a walk or I go to work with her, I might get a chew stick, etc. It’s our time. Not to mention, she gets a little high strung when the kids are home and can’t go outside. (I say “a little” because she might read this.)

So, Polar Vortex, with all due respect, I’m done. I’m a man of habit and routine, and you have severely messed with all of that. Please move on and don’t drag behind you the hottest summer we’ve ever experienced. What would they call that? The Solar Misery?


Dog on… Sniffing

Humans may be the most evolved species on the planet, but its a well-known fact that a dog’s nose is 100,000 (or something) times more sensitive and accurate than a human’s. Today was one of those days that put my humans to shame. And I relished in it.

I walked into the kitchen and found the two of them sniffing the air with no skill or technique.  They were attempting to find a scent they were picking up periodically. I could have told them where it was coming from, but there are so few moments of superiority that I get, so I thought I’d sit back and watch the circus.

He walked into the room and she asked, “does it smell like cat urine in here?”

“No,” he replied with a chuckle.  Then he set to making sandwiches for the little ones, when suddenly he stopped and said, “Wait! I think I smell it.”  Pause. Sniff.  “Now it’s gone.”

He crossed the kitchen to get a bag.

She said, “It’s over here now. Wait! Is it you? I smell it when you walk by and stir up a breeze.”

“Really?!?” He lifts up his sweater, sniffs it and then sniffs his armpit awkwardly. “Nope. I don’t think it’s me. Plus, no one peed on me to or from work.  Not cat or human.”

She giggled. There’s a quiet pause and then-

“Smell my jeans. Is it them?” She does and comes up shaking her head. He whispers, “I don’t mean to be weird, but smell my jeans crotch. Really get in there. Make sure it’s not that.”

She glances at him and sniffs up close and personal.  She seems so awkward which makes me laugh because that’s just proper etiquette in the land of dogs. To do anything else would just be rude.

“Nope. Nothing. Were you worried you peed yourself?”

“Shut up! No! Just making sure there was no spray that had lingered or something. Geez!”

She looks at him for a moment as if calculating the risks and benefits of her next sentence, then she says, “Smell my jeans just to be sure it’s not me. Crotch and all,”

He does and comes up shaking his head. “Nope.”

She said, “Hmmm. Ok then. Smell the kids. Maybe its them.”

He picks each one up into the air and sniffs them up and down while they scream, “Hey! What are you doing, Dad?!?”

As he returns them to the ground, “Nope. Neither one.”

They go back to what they were doing in the kitchen in silence clearly perplexed. Then she says, “When we get to my parents, let’s be sure to ask them if we smell like urine.”

“Will do.”

And that was it. Inside, I was cracking up to see them failing at the task of doing something as simple as finding a scent that was so obviously…

I’ll never tell! Any guesses?