Have you all heard about the Elf on the Shelf?!? It’s this guy – well, hundreds of thousands of little guys who come down from the North Pole every year like cicadas… Or invasion of the body snatchers or something. Not only do they come down to visit, they go back every night with a report to Santa about the kids in their assigned houses. Have you ever heard of Big Brother? Well, that shit just became real!
They make the kids feel all empowered because they let them name them, but I think that’s just a ploy to get them to let their guard down. ‘Cause I’ll tell you what, even though they look like dolls, it’s their eyes that will send a shiver down your spine. I mean, no matter where they are in the house, they seem to be watching me. The humans clearly don’t notice, but when they all leave for the day, it’s just me and the little guy, and he’s watching. Always watching.
Periodically throughout the day, I’ll switch rooms to see if he noticed. He does, and he looks at me with that disapproving stare like he knows I’m working my way to the toilet paper room when the door is left open. Now, I don’t know whether or not reports go back about me, the family dog, but I’m not taking chances with the SSA (Santa Spy Agency). I’m on my best behavior. Mostly.
The craziest thing is that when he comes back after a night of snitching to Santa and probably talking smack with his friends about families across the world, he is in a different place the next day. The kids love trying to find him each morning, but I just want to say, “I know where you’ve been! The humans might fall for this cutesy smile and red unitards, but I’m on to you little drone!” I don’t, of course, because it would be unwise to anger the little gnome-like creature.
I have one concerning question though, “is Santa cloning up there at the North Pole? And is that legal?” Seems to me that Santa may have gone off the reservation with these guys.