Dog on… Snowpeople


Ever since the movie Frozen came out, I know that snowmen have been fairly popular.  I’m hoping this doesn’t become an epidemic like bunnies at Easter or Dalmatians after the 101 Dalmatians movie came out. That movie did nothing for my friends with spots except create a demand that couldn’t be maintained without some breeding that likely involved family members getting way too close for comfort.  I’ve got some friends who can’t even hear that movie’s name without ending up in a ball in the corner of the room.

That said, I think it’s what is happening to snowmen all over town. Since the movie came out, they are everywhere and expected to walk, talk, and save the day.  

The reality of a snowman is much more tragic.  I mean, they start as hope and a vision after freshly fallen snow. But things get pretty dark, pretty fast when the sun comes out and the temp toys with numbers over 32 degrees.  Someone should do a documentary about that and open some eyes. 

Anyway, I bring it up because, frankly, they creep me out.  Their eyes are always dead. Vacant, you know? They’re smiling a smile that doesn’t seem genuine.  It’s like they have been captured and turned into Stepford snowpeople. 

I’ll tell you a secret:

You know how humans go cow tipping in rural areas?  

Well, I like to do what I call “pee bombing” to our snow companions.  What is this you ask? Well, it’s when you find a snowman, and when they aren’t looking, you run up and lift a leg (or not, in my case, but that for another post) and pee on them. Craziest thing is that

That's what I'm talkin' about!

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

humans actually find this quite funny, and you don’t get in trouble the way you would if you did that indoors.  It leaves a yellow streak on their bottom ball. (Heehee. That’s a funny sentence all around.) If you run into another dog, and you get into a turf war, the snowman can start to get pretty thin. 

I admit it’s a little low-brow humor, but this winter has made me a little batty. One takes what they can get. We’ve had a couple snowmen in our yard this year, and we’ve silently agreed to co-exist. It’s the best I can do. 

Post a picture of your Snowpeople from your yard on my Facebook page. Even better, a dog peeing on them. I can’t be alone in my distrust.  …At the very least share this if you deem it shareable! 

Dog on… Elf on the Shelf

Have you all heard about the Elf on the Shelf?!?  It’s this guy – well, hundreds of thousands of little guys who come down from the North Pole every year like cicadas… Or invasion of the body snatchers or something.  Not only do they come down to visit, they go back every night with a report to Santa about the kids in their assigned houses.  Have you ever heard of Big Brother?  Well, that shit just became real!

Hiding in the Nativity scene.  Despicable!

Hiding in the Nativity scene. Despicable!

They make the kids feel all empowered because they let them name them, but I think that’s just a ploy to get them to let their guard down. ‘Cause I’ll tell you what, even though they look like dolls, it’s their eyes that will send a shiver down your spine. I mean, no matter where they are in the house, they seem to be watching me. The humans clearly don’t notice, but when they all leave for the day, it’s just me and the little guy, and he’s watching. Always watching.

Periodically throughout the day, I’ll switch rooms to see if he noticed. He does, and he looks at me with that disapproving stare like he knows I’m working my way to the toilet paper room when the door is left open. Now, I don’t know whether or not reports go back about me, the family dog, but I’m not taking chances with the SSA (Santa Spy Agency). I’m on my best behavior. Mostly.

The craziest thing is that when he comes back after a night of snitching to Santa and probably talking smack with his friends about families across the world, he is in a different place the next day. The kids love trying to find him each morning, but I just want to say, “I know where you’ve been! The humans might fall for this cutesy smile and red unitards, but I’m on to you little drone!” I don’t, of course, because it would be unwise to anger the little gnome-like creature.

I have one concerning question though, “is Santa cloning up there at the North Pole?  And is that legal?” Seems to me that Santa may have gone off the reservation with these guys.

Dog on… Getting dressed

As I wrote this title, I realized how strange it may seem. You know, given that, on the whole, dogs are dressed by Mother Nature most of the time. Well, short the hairless breeds. In those cases, by all means, dress yourself. Please. I’m not comfortable looking at all that skin.

But I digress… This topic comes up after, once again seeing the tornado I call “her getting dressed”. Now, in her defense, this only seems to happen when she’s going out at night, and since the kids came along, that really isn’t the norm. For a while, if she was leaving without yoga pants on, I would fall over in mocking shock. She found that not as funny.

Anyhoo, this Saturday I heard her talking about a shower and was immediately confused when she started to get dressed. Her first outfit was fine to me, but then, I stalk her.
I’m probably kinda biased.

So, the first outfit was on while she looked in the mirror forever doing stuff to her hair and face that made her smell funny. Again, not the best judge given that I love her smell two days without a shower. It’s deliciously musky. Don’t tell her I said that.

She seemed to be out the door when, with no warning, she turned around ran upstairs (I, obviously, dutifully followed) and began to change her clothes over and over. I couldn’t even see her for the funnel cloud that surrounded her as she changed over and over. (That’s a bit dramatic, I admit, but the imagery is good, right?)

When she had finally come to the outfit she liked, the room was draped with shirts and pants. I mean, I don’t care, no one expects me to clean it up, but… Really?

When a dog gets dressed, it’s begrudgingly, for the most part. I’ve got friends who like clothes, but they’re a little off. Nice dogs, just… Weird.

The human drama of getting dressed is a human thing.