Hi. I’m Dog, and I’m a toilet paper-aholic.
It all started started after my Golden Retriever sister passed over the rainbow bridge. She was my favorite, and I loved her with my whole heart… as long as she didn’t look at my chew bones.
Left to navigate the house and family on my own, I found myself drawn to a nice, new roll of toilet paper freshly out on the dispenser. Oh man, it smelled good. I started out being satisfied with just the joy of pulling one end of the roll until it all unraveled across the floor. If you’ve never tried this, don’t start. There’s something about it that just makes you lose your mind.
My human thought it was funny at first. It was the second or third time that seemed to lose its luster with them. Even when they saw the joy it brought me, they were not amused or enlightened.
I tried to stop. Every time they walked in, and I saw the toilet paper strewn across the floor, I knew there would be trouble for me. The problem was that it just felt so good to do it in the moment. I couldn’t get myself to stop. After a while, when I would see the toilet paper on the floor and could predict the impending doom, I did what only made sense. I made it disappear. I had escalated to full ingestion.
It tasted so good going down. That’s the thing. I couldn’t stop even after my first bout of… well, let’s just say, it didn’t come out as easily as it went in. In fact, my obsession got worse until I hit rock bottom. It got stuck, and my human had to… um… assist me with it’s evacuation.
There’s nothing more humiliating than that, I assure you.
It takes a household to deal with a problem, and I had to rely on my humans to manage the situation by closing the doors and putting up gates. This seemed to eliminate the temptation until recently. They’d left the door open, and I told myself I could just take a sniff. That small inhalation was the gateway to disaster, and the addiction was full-blown again. This time when they put the toilet paper where I couldn’t reach it, I found myself digging in the garbage for the smallest and sweetest morsel of my beloved vice.
Seeing yourself with your head in the garbage is enough to stop you in your tracks. Ask this guy. He joined my GA (Garbage Anonymous) group just after that video was made. He makes me look tame.
Regardless, I’m back on track and working the program. You know, it’s not easy to battle your demons, but it’s equally difficult to get to “meetings” without a car… or opposable thumbs.